The other day, while I was standing at the kitchen sink, my five year old bounced into the room, and I sang to him as I always do, "My darling boy, I love you so, my joy of joy." Later in the day, when he was playing, I caught him smiling to himself, and whispering, "Everybody loves me." It made me stop (I was folding laundry) and wonder: Wow, how many people feel that way? At five, my boy is filled with confidence. He doesn't hesitate to try new things or visit new places. He sees the world as safe and interesting, filled with good things like: animals, trees, museums, playgrounds, airplanes, food and people. He doesn't view mistakes as failure. He easily says, "I'm sorry", "I love you", and, "help me". What if everyone felt that way?
Throughout our lives we all have opportunities to lead and opportunities to follow. We let these roles define us, but they shouldn't. What do I want for my own children? I want them to each have a strong identity. I want my children to have the confidence and grace to be able to lead and to follow.
I am not the best example for them. My own life has been defined mostly by fear and by bravery born of necessity (which produces a kind of crazy ecstatic joy when things go right, and disabling anxiety when things go wrong). But, I am learning and growing alongside my children (and very often from them).
Have you thought much about what defines you?
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A long time ago a friend told me that she wants her children to be leaders and not followers. That gave me something to think about. My own children were three and one year old at the time. I thought about how there are classes and workshops and training programs for helping people to become leaders, but none for learning how to be followers. Is following somehow natural, whereas leading must be learned? Or is it just that our society puts a high value on leaders, but views followers as weak and mindless? It all seems a bit ironic to me: Is it better to be a coach than a player? A teacher than a student? A conductor than a musician?Throughout our lives we all have opportunities to lead and opportunities to follow. We let these roles define us, but they shouldn't. What do I want for my own children? I want them to each have a strong identity. I want my children to have the confidence and grace to be able to lead and to follow.
I am not the best example for them. My own life has been defined mostly by fear and by bravery born of necessity (which produces a kind of crazy ecstatic joy when things go right, and disabling anxiety when things go wrong). But, I am learning and growing alongside my children (and very often from them).
Have you thought much about what defines you?
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Just an aside: I realized recently that I haven't had a headache in over a year (headaches used to define me!) --ever since I got my hair cut short :-)
This post is so rich with thought, I don't know if I can respond fully, with all the responses inspired in me. I'll try, but forgive me, it's early in the morning and I never think well until midday :-)
ReplyDelete- So lovely that your son is that confident. (By the way, how did he get to be five so fast? Do you live in a time warp? He was a snuggly little baby just last year. He's grown up almost as fast as Melissa Wiley's children do.) I hope he can keep that confidence. I think sometimes love isn't enough to raise a child and make them strong ... the world is such a cruel place. :-( Mind you, he has a wonderful large family to love him. I imagine being the youngest of such a brood must be a pretty amazing thing.
- I agree with you about followers. I would say more but, you know, morning brain.
- I agree and absolutely empathise with you about courage and fear too. I feel sometimes like I need to learn everything about normal responses to normal life. I would have to say that courage and strength define me - although people would probably not call me strong, they really have no idea what goes on inside.
- Interesting about your hair. Thinking about it, I could probably say the same thing! My dd has waist length hair and I wonder sometimes if my nana is right about it draining her energy.
Hi Sarah, yes, my life *is* traveling at warp speed, at least it feels like it is.
DeleteI wonder if Luke's confidence springs from his birth order; it's easy to feel safe when you are surrounded by adoring, older people. (Although, I was the youngest in my family, and I grew up afraid of my own shadow.) Not all of my children are as confident as he is, and weren't even as very young children. So, perhaps love is only one of the essential ingredients. The other ingredients must include temperament, as well as what the social sciences term nurturing, which really means, "what we pick up from our parents".
I had never thought, before, about long hair draining a person's energy. When my hair was long (and it was very long, and thick, too) I could never wear it in a ponytail because it hurt too much. When I had it cut short in November of 2010, my whole head felt lighter.
Your little boy is so lucky to have some much love and to have all that confidence. How sweet!
ReplyDeleteThank you :-)
DeleteI love your goal for your children. Like you, I've struggled with fear and it is the one thing I don't want for my children.
ReplyDeleteI know that my oldest children were affected by my fear as they were growing up, and that I unwittingly passed it on to them. They are more cautious and anxiety prone than my younger children. I am learning to let go of fear by 1) pushing myself out of my comfort zone and into new situations, 2) taking a serious look at *why* certain things/people/situations fill me with dread/anxiety, 3)practicing prayer, awareness and acceptance
DeleteYou make a very good point about looking at why things fill you with anxiety. I am trying to develop this in myself too. Recently I learned that I was mistaking being cold with being frightened! I can understand why this happened - shivering etc - and knowing it made a real difference to me.
DeleteBy the way, I love your embedded response facility - did you get it via blogger?
Sarah, that is so interesting about mistaking being cold with being frightened--it makes sense. I know that I often confuse thirst with hunger.
DeleteYes, the embedded comments are a now a feature of Blogger. If you would like to try this feature go to "Settings", then click the "Site Feed" tab, and choose "Full" next to "Allow Blog Feed". Next click on the "Comments" tab and choose "Embed below post" next to "Comment Form Placement" and hit "Save". That should do it :-)
How wonderful. That must have been so wonderful to hear. I want my children to be average and I admit to keeping that to myself most of the time. :-)
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of parents today expect their children to be outstanding in some way, which can lead to disappointment all around. There's nothing wrong with "average"--that's exactly what most of us are.
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